Success Story: Healing a 17-year marriage

A Desire to Heal

Not long ago, I was referred a couple who had been navigating cycle of conflict for over 17 years. Their story was one of love, separation, and reconnection, a cycle they desperately wanted to break.

When they came to me, they asked the big question: How do we stop this pattern?

I started by acknowledging that their cycle spread out over this many years means that there is something real between them and that there’s something unproductive in one or both of them that might be in the way. Through coaching, we explore together to find out what that could be and, one way or another, we would end their cycle. Transparently, “ending the cycle” means for better of for worse. In the end they would come to know whether they have a strategy that works to heal them or an understanding that helps them stop repeating the cycle of hurt.

Understanding the Paradigms

I began by mapping their paradigms. One partner operated within a loyalty paradigm, which is objective, observant, and often hyper-aware of threats. This mindset sometimes leaned toward being overly critical and sought security and stability in life. Without evidence of those things within the relationship, the relationship would end. The other partner functioned through an achiever paradigm, driven by a need for external validation to ease internal tension and support their personal and professional success. Since the relationship lacked validation and approval, this partner suffered frequent feelings of failure, defeat, and a lack of respect.

An Example to Help Visualize the Difference

Imagine two people climbing Mt. Everest. One focuses on identifying every risk, historical insight, and strategic scenario to meticulously plan for success. The other prioritizes reaching the summit as quickly as possible while avoiding starving, freezing, or falling. One values sticking to a structured plan for the future, while the other prefers being unburdened, adaptable, and opportunistic in a sprint towards the goal.

Their experiences - during the journey, the climb toward the goal, and the return home - will be entirely different. The differences would be the sources of contention toward the shared goal.

Unaware of these dynamics, their relationship had been plagued by persistent conflicts. After years of unresolved stress, their connection was in complete shambles. They could not communicate without triggering insecurity in each other. To address the damage, I knew we had to take an approach I compare to emotional skin grafting. We needed to peel back one painful layer at a time to allow true healing to begin.

The Process: Facing the Pain to Find the Healing

I was upfront with them from the start. I explained that the first three sessions would be increasingly difficult, but by the fourth session, we could begin to rebuild.

• The first session was tough.

• The second session was even tougher as we uncovered the wounds and worked to foster mutual understanding.

• The third session was incredibly intense. We confronted years of pent-up anger, disappointment, frustration, and fear. These emotions were not only directed at each other but also deeply internalized, compounding their struggles.

The fourth session was meant to mark the beginning of healing, but they canceled.

A Happy Ending

I will admit that I worried about what that cancellation meant. Recently, I was blessed to learn that they succeeded in breaking the cycle and are now happy.

"At first we were unsure. You took us through a really painful process. But we did the work and each day got better just like you said it would and now here we are."

The husband added, "Yeah and it's almost as if we don't even think about it at this point. The work doesn't feel like work. It’s second nature. We are genuinely happy, Mario."

Even though I did not get to walk them through the final stage of the process, they credited me with being instrumental in their healing journey. For that, I am grateful. While I would have loved to see their transformation through to the end, I am deeply thankful that the first three sessions were enough to ignite the change they needed. They had the strength to carry it forward.

Sometimes, the most important work we do is about planting the seeds of change. Seeing those seeds grow, even from afar, is one of the greatest rewards of this work.

Every relationship has its unique challenges, and sometimes, the patterns we’re stuck in feel impossible to break on our own. Whether it’s a loyalty-achiever dynamic or something entirely different, the key is gaining the tools and awareness to rebuild trust, understanding, and connection. Don’t wait years to take the first step towards healing your relationship. Let’s do it together starting now.