A cute lesson from arguing with a baby

Ever hear of an internal reference system? Let me tell you a story.

Our family seem to always have someone’s kid around, Kids are a joy and everything is new to them. In this story, I was drafted to babysit and I was going through such an emotional time that I welcomed the energy and curiosity of a two year old. His name was Leo. He was sharp and perceptive. He was funny and he liked the right balance of attention and '“I will pretend like I don’t think you’re about to do what I think you’re about to do.”

One day we had a little argument. He was the real winner.

See he liked to ride in the car with the moonroof open and listen to music. He would jibber jabber the first few exciting minutes of the ride but after that he’d slip into a trance. Still as a statue and completely in another world. (I always worried about him but that’s another story.) On this particular night, he went to the front door and I knew it was time for his car ride. I’m sure he was really just missing his mom too but she wouldn’t pick him up until she got off of work.

He was getting tired and he wanted to go for a cruise. I said "ok get your shoes and your jacket." He said, "K!" and his little legs got to moving. He got his shoes but left the jacket. So I asked him again. He seemed confused but I knew he was smart though so I tried again. He had a lot to say! I explained that it was a little cold outside and he fussed back, ready to go. It was funny to me but ultimately I pointed to my jacket and tugged on it.

"Jacket", I said.
His tiny finger pointed, “Coh.”
”Can you say, ‘jacket’.” I was thinking he was associating jacket + cold. No.
”Coh.”, he said with the cutest grin.
I tugged again, “Jacket… say jacket? Where is your jack-et?”

He frowned, frustrated, and he marched right over to his jacket. I thought “good!” but when he brought it back he baby-shoved it into my leg with attitude.

"Coh!", he said.

Suddenly it clicked! I was the problem! I wasn’t listening! I said, "coat." He whined in agreement and turned lifted his arms for me to put it on him. He was really ready to go.

During our “argument” I thought he’s just a baby he doesn’t get it. Instead, I wasn’t aware of his side of things. I was only thinking about it from my side. I was the adult, the trusted guide, and a temporary teacher but I never considered that his mom called it a “coat”! He only knew what he knew from his experience. “Jacket” meant nothing to him. “Coat” meant it was time to go when it’s cold outside. He had tried to tell me and I missed it!

He got to pick a snack, we turned on Spotify, and we took the "long way" home. He was content (and messy with his nuggets) on the 40 minute ride around the town. He was peacefully asleep over halfway through the ride. To this day, when I think of him, I think "coat" because it’s a great reminder of the innocence of the individual internal reference system we all have.

I had something that I wanted him to understand. He already had a different comprehension - and that is a great way to think of internal reference systems in the world of coaching. Each individual has their own way of interpreting things based on the unique way they experience life. Our intentions may be harmless but the other person’s interpretation is unique to them. Arguments, offense, confusion, and conflict become possible when the reference systems aren’t aligned.

”I think that’s stupid.” - that’s a simple phrase to a person who’s very casual about expressing themselves. Yet, to another the word stupid in their reference system may be twice as demeaning and condescending in their interpretation, which puts them on the defensive. Worse, it could stir up an associated past experience where their feelings formed in association to the language used. You never know!

It's through coaching that we mediate and translate but even then- an individual's emotional intelligence has to be attuned and matured for them to comprehend what's being said without turning it into something else. Ultimately, when the interpersonal relationship is struggling in a communication, undoubtedly, somebody is not listening or the interpretations are not aligned.

Think about this the next time your conversation seems to be going nowhere. Take a step back and fully consider the other person to see if that helps you move forward towards understanding.