21 Days of Surrender - The Final Day
Today is the last day of my 21 Day Surrender (to God). I shared the experience with a friend like so:
“Symbolically it's like this - Grab your keys and clench them in your fist. This is what attachment and control is like. Now release your fist and relax your grip. Let the keys be in your grasp, but do not cling to them. If they fall out of your hand—ok. If you drop them—ok. If they stay in your hand—ok. This is what surrender is like.”
It is like being open to whatever may happen. For instance, maintain your peace if someone bumps into you and the keys fall. Do not get angry with the individual. Do not make a scene. Do not reach for them if it means losing your internal balance. Leave the keys on the ground or wait until you can reach for them in peace. It is a wild experience, but, miraculously, it’s almost as if someone always comes by, picks up the keys, and places them in your open hand.
It’s as if someone always comes by, picks up the keys, and places them in your open hand.
It wasn't always easy
That has been my journey for 21 days regarding everything. No matter how big or small I did my best to release my grip. The things that were not meant for me fell out of my hand and were swept away.
Sometimes I fought to regain the things I released and had to start all over again which inflicted more anxiety and pain to me in the process. I let go of ideas, physical things, idealizations of people, and actual people. Sometimes I would even let go of the impulse to eat if my energy wasn’t stabilized. True to my analogy, in terms of food, someone would invite me to lunch, drinks, or dinner without knowing about my journey.
It was ugly but worth it
The process brought a lot of internal discomfort: anxiousness, anger, and sadness. I saw patterns, subtle coping mechanisms, and unhealthy urges to quit. At one point, I even wanted to run away before the process was done because of the things I became aware of.
So many ugly things about myself came to the surface. I am currently facing these things. I am going through the very slow process of understanding them, removing the ugly, and reintegrating their purpose in a healthy manner. To reform those parts of me, I use reframing concepts, confession, acknowledgment, and setting new boundaries. The new version of me now has more advanced boundaries that maturely, graciously, and skillfully accomplish what my ego intended to do through less acceptable methods.
What a journey! I am still healing from this very brutal process, but I have given myself grace to relax these next few days. Next week, I will start a new journey. I may even do another surrender for a longer period, but for now, I need a break so that I can celebrate the wins.
